weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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