One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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