Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
