You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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