He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The Olympian is in my bed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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