Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
