maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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