Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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