I just pynch a tree in the face
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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