One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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