I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
