I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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