is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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