I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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