toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
