I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
