Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
