So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
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