So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
