Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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