How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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