It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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