Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
