So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
