my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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