Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
