haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
