I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
