I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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