Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
