Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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