I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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