I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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