hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So many bounce houses so little time
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
