Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
