And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
