Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
