I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
