that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
