Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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