wrigley field is MILF paradise
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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