if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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