That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dear god my vagina.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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