He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
