I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
