I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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