the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
