i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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