When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I could fuck to npr.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
