i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
